What goes up... Must go down

Spring shows its beautiful face, with the warm weather, the blooming of trees, and the smell of fresh cut grass, but still gives us the dirty reminder that winter isnt leaving without a fight. Some people call this the midwest and I call it a reminder of how life really is.

           Looking at the calendar I cant help but think about how much time has flown, but not like the average person can, not because I know summer is around the corner, or because I know my baby girl is one year older (which in turn makes me feel proud, yet so old) but because my time is just being more and more limited. The summer activities that are about to come up are not just exciting thoughts to me, but memories I require to make. In a couple week Audrey is turning 7, Rockfest is coming up after that, the pools will be open soon... So much I want and need to cram into this summer. 

           But Im over every emotion, every though being consumed by the future that I see. I am over my happiness being measured on a scale. I want to "live it up" the way I boasted I was going to. I want to go one day and just remember what it was to be happy without having the back thought of regret. I want to cut my hair without thinking about how much easier it will be to deal with in prison if its longer. But most of all, I want a relationship that refuses to push the limits of happiness because it too is on a time schedule, and heaven forbid they become to close and I leave. 

Is that a shady cop out or is that what they really are thinking?

           Better yet, why am I am so worried and over analazing about what they think? That has never been my style. I dont care, I have always done me... So why now? Why am I concerned with why Im not good enough? I run and workout, why? for me or for the outside point of view? Its little things like that, that make me feel like I might have lost perspective of who I am why I am accepted and loved by the people who truely love me. I want to get back to me...who I was, and who I truely loved being. 

          So, in turn brings me to the conclusion and the under lying reason of these emotions. Why am I questioning maybe I should turn myself in. Maybe Im not proving anything in this world except for my weaknesses that I have being subject too. If i choose to turn myself in my time will start. Or maybe my objectives are self centered,  but why did I, once again, allow myself to go to that extreme. 

Limited Happiness...

         I crave happiness...but I`m always questioning my happiness, is my happiness fair to the other side of happiness? Is it fair that happiness might be part of someone elses life?
         The most common phrase I hear is "damn, I wish things were different, your amazing...blah blah blah.." Why cant people just blocked there emotions like i do on a day to day basis and take it one day at a time, who knows i might make it worth the wait.
          I found someone...I have to put a wall up with my emotions, because I hate getting excited about something thats just going to let me down. I blocked my heart by not limiting myself to one guy. If I dont get attached they cant hurt me.
          But he is different, the way he makes me laugh, how obnoxious he is, how freaking sexy he is, I cant help but wake up and think about him and dream about him at night. DAMN IT!
I want this happiness to continue, but is it fair?

Beautiful Disaster, Gorgeous Chaos, I take pride in the "oxymoron title" I am known by, Ill take that as people cant figure me out but take my highs and lows and give me a title that makes sense. Fine, if you look at me like she`s a mess but she looks good doing it...I`m sold. 

       To be honest my life is a beautiful chaotic mess and has been for a long time, considering the lifestyle I chose to live and create. The sex, drugs and rock and roll fantasy that we all secretly want to experience sometimes is a mud splash in the face, with all the mess to clean up you have to ask yourself was it worth it? 

        Is Prison worth it? That`s what this is all about, my journey from freedom to a prison sentence given to me by the FEDS... Oh shit, what have I put myself into. To tell you the truth every time I was doing that deal, collecting that easy cash and celebrating with that emotion blocking drug I always knew this was a possibility. An early morning of being pulled out of your bed by DEA exposing your nastiest dream and reality. I couldn`t cry, I wasnt mad, I laughed and shook my head and stared the handcuffs and shackles placed on me as I was escorted into an SUV. 

        I sat in a cell of girls who had no idea why they were being put in this situation even though when they replayed their situation out loud I had to remind them of there wrong doings they just admitted to. OMG take responsibility for your own actions...(my biggest pet-peeve). As I can admit I am taking responsibility for my actions and with my release on "pre-trial supervision" I can narrate the journey of my life with limited freedom. 

      I want to live, and smile and experience it with a smile and laughter so I can look back and not only remember what I had but what I can hope for keeping when I get out. 

      Drug free writing, its new and raw. Dont judge me most of you will never know what Im going through. Let this be entertainment or a life lesson, I dont give a shit! 

     Welcome to my "Limited Freedom"

    MWAH!